Friday, June 3, 2011

I Hate it When People Are Right

At least, I hate it when they are right about this.  Over our journey with the birth of Micah & Jeremiah I met many women (one of which was my nurse in Labor and Delivery) who had experienced twin loss. They all said that over the course of the first year their grief crept in on them more and more. They all said that initially you are so busy caring for your needy (usually preemie) baby that grief gets shoved to the side. Then, once things get easier it finds its way back in.

Well. They were right.  I feel like we have done leaps and bounds in recovering from our tragedy. Micah is doing well and is starting to achieve more and more milestones. He is already 7 months old. The raw wounds have healed somewhat from the shock and loss of our precious Jeremiah. I am doing ok. I can laugh. I can smile. I am enjoying life.

But all along there is an unmistaken void. A face that is not there to admire and adore. A set of two beautiful blue eyes to get lost in. A smile that is not there to melt your heart. I little bald head that I cannot kiss. Little rosy red lips whose coos and squeals are not echoing in the house. 10 little sharp baby nails that are not there to scratch me when they get to long.  No extra tooshy to wipe and change. No belly to tickle. And when Micah looks to joyfully at his reflection in the mirror, he sees not his own reflection, but that of his identical brother Jeremiah.

Not one single day goes by that I do not see double when I am playing and caring for Micah. I don't know how much Micah feels the loss of his brother. It's really hard to say. He can't speak for himself so there is no way of really knowing. I do however think that he does feel incomplete. He just wants to be held 24/7 and I feel like that is his way of coping. The fact that he is SO into people is just one other way that makes me think he needs that interaction. Any twin or parent of twins knows that they need each other, they are happier together---especially Identicals.

I know I am blessed to at least know what Jeremiah would one day grow to look like. Boy, would those two boys be some serious heartbreakers! Micah is so adorable I can only imagine how much more it would be with two. Oh how I wish I could see Jeremiah's personality bloom. See him reach his own milestones. See them together---the way it should of been.

I really don't care for the "well it would of been a lot more work with two" kind of comments. I know people are trying to make me feel better, like maybe less work is a helpful trade off or something. I just don't care for any hint or suggestion that anything would make it better than having them both alive and well. And still, there are always people out there that think I am blessed because "at least I have one".  Sorry but I'm pretty sure if one of your kids was stillborn you wouldn't want someone pointing to your 3 year old and saying "well at least you have her." No child's life can make up for the loss of another. Anyways...I am rambling. I guess I am starting to feel a magnified sense of loss now that I am beginning to enjoy Micah's progress. 

I really really really wish I could hold my baby boy just one more time. It's been over 7 months since I felt the weight of his small body in my arms. I still feel like I should have them both. Together.


  1. I'm sure it has been hard to have time to grieve with Micah and Isaac to care for, and I know you haven't gotten to have much time for just Maddie. I can't imagine your grief, I can only :hug: you on our own special way and say that I grieve with you as a friend who waited with while you longed for conception and squealed when you reached each pregnancy milestone. I know that you would give up every spare moment of sleep you had just to have all three of your boys with you. And I am so sorry it didn't work out that way. I'll pray for your strength to get through this newest moment of grief, and pray that the bad days come farther and farther apart.

  2. I know nobody can feel what you feel unless they have been there, so I just come to give a :hug: and support. <3