Saturday, July 23, 2011

What's in a Name?

A name is just a name. I can guarantee you very few people in this world, if any, have a unique one only to themself. (Yes, I am aware that "themself" is not really a word, but it sounds way better than His/herself in this case---either way, I digress). So why then does a name envoke so many emotions?

A close family member just gave birth to a precious baby boy, and they named him Colton. Colton---Jeremiah's middle name. I don't know why I was so struck by this--or maybe I do. I didn't want to react the way I did. But all the grief of the last 9 months that I have neglected to tend to, due to chasing a toddler and caring for a baby...rushed through my soul like a flash flood after heavy rains. Colton. Just a middle name. "Just". What most people don't know is that when I picked out my boy names, they were Micah and Colton. We chose our naming trend to be first name Hebrew/Biblical name and middle name to be Scottish/Irish--and starting with a C for the boys. Hence Isaac Cameron. When I found out I was having twins, and boys at that I knew without a doubt that one boy was to be Micah. The other was debatable. My husband wanted Eli or Elijah and I felt strongly that this baby was to be named Jeremiah--a name chosen by God. I then wanted to make sure that both boys got one of my "favorite" names. So we settled on Micah Carson & Jeremiah Colton. I fought for that name. Cameron said Colton sounded too much like The Colts (which was part of the reason I liked it--hey, I'm a true Colts fan to the core.) Either way, I fought for my right to chose the names, after all I was the one carrying them.

So there are my boys names. Isaac Cameron. Micah Carson. Jeremiah Colton.  In all my day dreaming and expectations of my preciously adorable twin boys, the plan was to call Jeremiah by his middle name. I've known people who go by their middle names all along. So on a daily basis, he would be Colton. My Colton. His "official" name might have been Jeremiah, but Colton was to be his cuddle-bug name. My little Mr. Micah and Silly Mr. Colton. Two boys. Two adorable twin boys, mirror images of each other and virtually inseperable.......

Yet separated they were. Something no mother should ever have to endure. Something no TWIN should have to endure! And, by virtue of the situation, the God-sanctioned name of Jeremiah became eerily and comfortingly appropriate. In hindsight, I know now why it was so important that God chose that name. By his name of Jeremiah, we were led to Bible verses like Jeremiah 29:11. It held so much revelance to our circumstance, to our grief. It gave us hope in times of great distress and sadness. So as my hopes, dreams, and ideas of what would be to come, my little Micah & Colton would never come to be the way I expected it. The way it SHOULD have been. Instead, I have my little Micah J (the J in remembrance of his brother) and my heavenly son Jeremiah Colton.

So, I am fully aware that I don't own a name. Colton is a great name, I mean it was one of my favorites afterall. It does hurt a little, that I wasn't warned before hand, and I guess they may not have even known.  I can't blame anyone for the emotions that name envokes. I don't want this to be an ongoing source of pain. But I can't help to feel what I feel. It's all just a sad, jolting reminder that my Jeremiah Colton is not with me, with us. How my Colton never came to be. What I have of him are the memories of his kicks, the images of his ultrasounds, the pictures of his sleeping body with his tiny preemie brother, what it felt like to hold his tiny 2lb body bundled in blankets so close that day (a memory I NEVER want to forget), his ashes tightly enclosed in a box with a carving of twin boys together, and a name---his name. My little hand & foot print neckless is precious, and I wear them around my neck often.

 My little Jeremiah Colton. You never got be my little-snuggle-bug-cutie-patootie-stud-man-Colton. I never got to smell your new baby smell, or feel your soft baby fresh skin. I never got to see that smile and beautiful blue eyes (I fortunately know how beautiful they should of been, since your identical twin has those very same heart melting eyes). You will always be my son, even if God got to raise you instead of me. Your name, I will NEVER forget, and your name will ALWAYS hold special meaning to me, your dad, grandparents and your brothers.

I truly wish the best to baby Colton and his family. Baby boys are precious, and the birth of your first is such an amazing lifetime occassion.  Much Love & Congratulations to you all.