Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I did it.

Let's see, Micah is 15 months and 3 days old. That means that it has been 15 months and 3 days since we found out Jeremiah had gone to heaven to be with the Lord. 15 months is a long time, still I can't believe it's already been that long. In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday and in others it seems like it was forever ago...in an old dream---a very, very bad dream.

BUT--- today I did it--I thought about Jeremiah--specifically Jeremiah and Micah together, and how cute it would be with them together as twins, and I didn't feel total sadness.  I felt warmth and love. We were at the park and Isaac and Micah were swinging next to each other in the infant swings. Micah, as small as he is, fit perfectly in one half of the swing (with probably the most serious wedgy he's had to date).  I couldn't help it but it was fricken adorable. And like many times, if not every time I admire and swoon at his adorable cuteness, I thought of his identical twin brother---and how excrutiatingly cute they would be together.  Well, this was just another one of those moments I frequently have.  I thought to myself how stinkin adorable would it be if Jeremiah were here to be back to back with Micah in the swing. And then I said it out loud to Micah. "If your twin brother was here we could put him in the swing and it would make the cutest little double headed boy swing!"  And I talked to him about it a little. How cute he and his brother would be together. How they would have the same adorable soul-piercing blue eyes. Same cute-as-a-button noses. Same ridiculously infectious smiley faces. The same abounding joy. I sure wish we were able to experience that x2. All those twin things--that are unique to twins and unique especially to identical twins---because hey, it's not everyday that two people look exactly alike. (Too adorable people at that)

I did it though. I did it without feeling sad. I did it without feeling remorse, or pain. Sure, the hole in my heart probably began to glow (I guess like E.T?) but it didn't hurt as bad as it usually does. In fact, it was kind of nice to think about it. To acknowledge what could have been. What should of been. And I didn't shed a tear. I didn't even feel them well up. It just was what it is. My reality. My story. His story. OUR story. OUR life. And it's ok. It's not great or fantastic...if I got to go back and choose a different story I totally would pick the one with the fairytale ending (in Blu-ray). But no one has a perfect life. We all have our pain, our loss, our disappointment. This one is ours and I am learning that I need to embrace it.

Of course, just because I made it in that moment without crying doesn't mean I never will again. In fact I shed a few tears just writing about it. I guess the point is that I have finally gotten to the place where I can start to think of him and his brother together and be at peace. I miss my little man with all my heart.  It's like I told a friend, there comes a time in this process when you can think about your little angel and you smile instead of cry.

The truth is, Jeremiah was with Micah that day on the swing.  He's with him all the time.